Have you ever received a message
The phone on your hand began to feel so heavy
It almost felt like the weight on your shoulders
You hide so much
From people and places
You cry so much
Did I tear a muscle?
Did I just break my arm?
Or is it just another day
Like the previous few
And the days before
This never ends
It only begins afresh
A new chapter
Not better than the next
Never better
They say it’s incurable
I don’t want it cured
I’m scared maybe I won’t recognize myself
How I was before all of this
I’m scared it was before I was born
They speak of possibilities
Did my heart ache so much when I laughed
That I couldn’t stop crying
Did I try to be invisible?
Did I try to fly?
I don’t know how to look ahead
When all my days are spent
Trying to deal with the day in hand
It’s not difficult
Difficulties I can overcome
It feels impossible
Like trying to be invisible
Or to fly
Or to drown and not die
Or maybe I know how to
Drown and not die
I’ve been doing it for so long
It feels natural
I wonder what people are doing
Right now while I’m writing this
Are they living?
Are they trying to fly?
How long until we get out of this?
Will I be afraid that day?
I don’t think I will
I’ve craved it so hard
That day I thought I broke my arm
When the phone felt so heavy
I wish I broke my arm
Or my neck or my hip
Anything
Other than my heart
If I ever lose this battle
Please remember I tried
I fixed every strained muscle
Left my heart out to dry
Didn’t expect a soul to pick me up
The eighth time I fell
I learnt my lessons
All the 7 times
I got out of bed
Did things people do
Looked at the rain
Prayed for a few
Band aids and tapes
New pillow covers
Dry and empty
Mine are now stale
And I’ll try again tomorrow
Until that day
That’s how I know I won’t be afraid
When it finally comes
But when it does
Promise me you’ll remember
I got out of bed
Each day